A very honest account by Sara Fernandes of Only Human Therapy

**Trigger warning, PND, Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts & Depression**

Even the term ‘World Breastfeeding Week’ fills me with dread, guilt, fear, resentment & sadness! It is a celebration of something that most women, all over the world naturally do and are expected to do. But that wasn’t me unfortunately! I suffered from severe maternal mental health problems after having my daughter back in 2016.

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Breastfeeding is absolutely incredible. As if growing and pushing out a baby wasn’t impressive enough, just consider breastfeeding for a moment……..WOW! I am truly in awe of nature and every single woman who does it, did do it and stuck with it. Yet at the same time as feeling awe, I also feel a huge amount of resentment and FOMO (fear of missing out!). I feel guilty that due to a number of factors, I couldn’t give my daughter the best start in life.

I wish I’d been able to do it, I truly do! I know it would have been better for her, better for our bonding, better for the planet, better for my postnatal recovery, blah blah blah. But I couldn’t and that’s ok. I can see that now in hindsight, I was trying my best. The pressure I felt from others but mostly from myself to breastfeed, left me feeling like a complete failure, an anxious wreck and even suicidal.

It wasn’t part of the plan to struggle like I did. It wasn’t part of the plan for me to only do it for 5 days. It wasn’t part of the plan for it to send me into anxious oblivion! The plan was for me to do what my body could naturally do, what was best, and what I would do with ease because of my maternal instincts. Right?

Wrong! How naive of me to think such things. But then again maybe not.….we are fed a perception of what’s “right” for us, what’s “right” for the baby, what we “should” & “shouldn’t” do. We are told horror stories about how bad bottle feeding is for development and attachment, when for so many of us it's the only option! For any Mums reading this and feeling the way I did, I just want to say that it’s ok, you are doing your very best and you are not a failure, you are a human being!

If you can’t breastfeed for whatever reason, or you choose not to, then that is 100% your choice and is more than ok! As long as your baby is fed full stop, then you are winning at motherhood, trust me.

Oh how I compared myself to the idyllic Instagram pictures I’d seen of Mums breastfeeding effortlessly! I cried when my daughter latched on and it hurt like hell, but I persevered through bleeding nipples and all because I wanted to achieve what I set out to do. I read all the ‘right’ books and tried all the ‘right’ things. But I was very unwell. So in my story, breastfeeding didn’t work and actually made me worse. It was a trigger for Anxiety, Panic, Overwhelm and self loathing. The fact that I was giving off such negative vibes affected my milk supply and made my newborn daughter anxious around me.

I appreciate that this week is about promoting Breastfeeding which is of course an amazing thing for you to do, IF YOU CAN! If being the significant word here. But please please please don’t feel obliged to if you are struggling. Don’t feel guilty for not being able to do it if you can’t. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You are doing a cracking job and if you choose to bottle feed for your own personal reasons then good for you. Who am I to tell you any different?!

“Your capability to mother is NOT based on your ability to produce milk”

(Don’tjudgejustfeed)

I felt compelled to share this perspective because far too many women suffer in silence. They battle with inner demons and receive judgmental comments and looks from others which is just wrong! Especially when they are in such a vulnerable space (emotionally & physically). I want to leave you with the message that whatever you decide/decided, is and was right for you and your baby at the time. You cared for them and you knew your boundaries and limitations so I take my hat off to you.

Since overcoming Postnatal Depression & Postpartum Psychosis, I have met so many women who have been through something similar. And for many, that pressure to breastfeed was one of the main contributing factors in the deterioration of their mental health. Whether that be because of the expectations they placed on themselves, or the expectations of others. This is a big deal and needs to be spoken about far more.

If I decide to have another child, I will make bloody well sure that everyone involved in my care plan knows not to push breastfeeding. If I feel well enough to do it and I can, then great, I’ll give it a go. But I will not be losing sleep over it next time, nothing is worth making yourself ill.

Please reach out and speak to me or someone who can support you if you found this blog triggering in any way. You are welcome to contact me if you’d like to chat about working with me or find out about any of my events for Mums. You’ve got this!

Oh and P.S. My husband and other family members being able to feed my daughter literally saved my bacon, and hers!